If there was a checkbox for me, to choose, I would tick undefined. But somehow in this world we must define ourselves. What on Earth kind of paradox is this? How do you define a human being? Tags, IDs, social security numbers ... sounds tidy, as per the usual epic fail.
How then? Writer, lawyer, teacher, occupational therapist, plastic surgeon, engineer, scientist, tour guide, relief worker, programmer, dentist, DJ, circus performer. Really? Is that really who you are? What about yogi? Honestly, it's time we all got a life.
Yes, I spend time practicing yoga and teaching it--learning just as much each time I do.
What I'm trying to get at here actually, as I sidewind my way into the point, is that just because I do this, doesn't mean that a lot of other things people glue to these termed-yoga activities are true. Same with any title--they're all about as misleading and temporarily reassuring as a Klondike at 2 a.m. when you're trying to lose a few pounds.
So many people look at me as someone who has some answers. Someone who can help them. And to a degree I can, but only to the point that guides and demonstrates how they can help themselves. Because it is through these practices that we "yogis" do just that, for ourselves.
Specifically, we bend, stretch, open and, basically, tenderize ourselves. We aim to explore ourselves and interact with the world from a more raw yet deeply faithful place. It's like moving into high def about life, yet developing, through, shitloads of practice every day, more wherewithal and strength to detach and realize it's just a TV and all of these melodramas are inevitable programs.
The challenge is that, with this perspective, we have to get real grounded into the role we play in whatever series we find ourselves. It's not an escape. There is no escape from what we were born to do.
This, in a very crude nutshell, and in my humble opinion, is the pursuit of someone practicing yoga in a deeper capacity.
Expectation hangs in the air--that I have it all together. I get it from guys I date, friends who are just getting to know me, people who just discovered my classes. I'm the lady who has it together and will teach people how to have it together. It's really interesting. I bet a lot of people, in other healthcare professions, know exactly what I am talking about, too.
This month I hit a new personal record on things I thought I could accomplish. I will spare you. Just imagine James Bond is a woman and she's in Doha and it was so intense that it could only be handled moment by moment, with the big picture in mind. My gears all but burned out ... and my composure let in some light through a few cracks toward the end of it all.
Last night I realized--over a glass of wine at a party--that I don't feel home anywhere and at times totally rely on the logic and reason of people I have grown, over years, to trust to tether me to the closest idea of home a person can ever truly have--human connection.
Yes, I am a practitioner of yoga. But this month really waved it in my face that this life is not at all about having it all together.
Newsflash: you only think you do--stop thinking that for just a second ... before life forces you to do it ... to see something important.
This gig gets really good when get a sense of when to be strong and when to be vulnerable. When to take care of ourselves and when to surrender to the love around us, the help of friends.
When to get it together. And when to get it all together.
I looked into quite a few eyes over the past week and was utterly rocked by all of the comfort, understanding, deep perception I saw. The few words spoken in passing to help me along.
The grace and elegance that people demonstrate when they reach out to help you is one of the most incredible displays of magic and beauty I know. I drove through the city--sensing the pulsing clubs and house parties at full throttle yet enjoying the quiet roads--totally baffled by hindsight reflection on the loving tentacles of spirit that reached out to grab me lately, despite my dire need to be a strong, yogi, leader type.
So many people smiled and said: relax, relax, relax ... like the cheer lines along a marathon.
We are so much alike. The differences so slight, only made bigger when we think and believe we have it together and always will. Ha! Well, honey, you will see it all for what it is when you don't. When you're truly tied to everyone you've tended to loving, or the people in the institution paid to love you.
For life, it seems, is designed to teach you what it really means to have it all together.