Since I could reflect, the world has seemed a holy zone of wonder and imagination as well as people who were highly imperfect ... most of all, me. I was born into a nature that filtered the world as a mirrorball battle zone of live and let live. Inside the walls of home and all around, wars waged--egos pecked at one another. People had something to hold on to, something to grasp for, something to defend, something to make each other see. To make me see. I refused to see so much as look. There's a big difference. One involves force, the other will.
Nothing and everything gets done in my life unless and when I will it.
It's not a matter of wanting with me, it's a matter of will. I don't want anything. I will it.
You will find me bent over heaving through tears if I fall short of goals. You may think it's because I didn't get what I wanted. Well, kind of, but not really. It's really more like this massive momentum inside of me actually hurts to be stopped--when I try for something and fail, it's as if I've smashed into a brick wall at 200 mph. It echoes in my psyche and all through the chambers between every cell in my body. It wracks my soul, being stopped from anything that I am still pursuing. If I quit, I disappear into something worthwhile--and everyone involved knows what was lost with my will, eventually.
Life is full of stop lights, pauses, turns in the road. I'm getting wiser. I yield for these more swiftly now, knowing that they are actually part of the progress. I guess you could say I'm growing up at the speed of a snail, traveling faster than the speed of light on the back of a cosmic, centenarian tortoise.
Life is also full of people who didn't know they wanted a pick a fight with me until it's on their head. These are usually assuming people used to others bending with their breezy ways a lot more than the other way round. And God help them, because, just by the way it's always gone when my scales tip, they've never seen anything like me before. And frankly, life just keeps drawing out things in me that I haven't either!
You think I like being like this? When it would be a lot more fun to sit around and play video games and let people f&^% around with my time? Hell yes, I do. Come on. Can't you see? Loads of people are really caught up in what they "should" be doing or in doing nothing at all but watching other people live and playing it safe and judgmental. Between those two zones is the land of the living--a weird, untrodden, relentlessly challenging, unreassuring yet vital, wild field of internal reflection, unplanned interactions, self realization, standing up for the self, changing, retracing steps, advancing, reaching personal goals, f&^%$ up, changing tack, evolving, apologizing, forgiving, thanking, forgetting, remembering, helping and being human.
If anybody asks, that's where I will be.