I guess work wouldn’t be the best place to write this but it is where my wits are so sharp and I wanted to write it as soon as the idea took shape with Samantha’s help. She and several other people I have spoken with understand how important you both are to me. Not many other people can comprehend. But that is no matter. I will never forget how I felt when you came into my life in November. There were other concerns, mainly Alex and his emotional state and whether or not I could bear to partner with him given my level of self awareness and his level of self delusion. I loved him and felt an attraction but didn’t know so much about him. He was a part of you too. And his decision was braided in with mine over the few weeks you lived inside me.
When you came to me, I have to admit I was nothing but joyful. I was so honored. I felt I had won the lottery—that a life (or two, as I suspected) could choose me as their chaperone for the formative years of their lives. It was really blissful. But of course you remember that this short elated run didn’t last. I felt you grow every day inside of me, take bits of my nutrition into yourselves—build yourselves up bit by bit from divinity to flesh. I felt our systems start to set up a highway to each other.
My blood pressure went up. My boobs got bigger. I felt myself ripen with life. I would sit in the mornings and meditate with you. I felt calm with you both inside me.
And yet the turbulence of knowing that I would have to push you away was really emotionally unsettling. Let me rephrase that—a protracted nightmare would have been easier. For that few weeks of my life was like someone walking in slow motion toward a gas chamber. I knew a part of me would die. But didn’t realize it was a part that needed to die, so badly. So I thank you, for while parents always think they are the ones to guide, the children do just as much.
I wanted to beg and scheme with Alex. But there was nothing to do. I wanted to know that he was stable and confident enough to treat me with respect and be a supportive partner if nothing else in raising you.
There was no evidence of this.
His behavior just became more scattered and erratic and penetratingly selfish and strange. Additionally, he ate junk food, wanted to push steroids on all the bouncers in bars and entertained bad mental habits. In my opinion he was just asleep to so many things that I had worked so hard to wake myself up to in this life. And to think of going against his wishes to bow out of raising you, raising you on my own and trying to makeshift a life with a husband on paper for a brief time and a divorce through court (over a lot of money and a long, stupid time), and all the other trials we would have to go through—well, I’d seen enough drama in my early life to know that if I had a choice, this just it wasn’t a fair shake of a start for you both.
God alone knows how I felt about you. In essence and more ways, you WERE me. And I think what I remember most is the furious passion that took me over. How I felt I would do anything for you. I would lie down on railroad tracks and hold you away from the train as it passed even as it sliced me up. And for you, I would do this with a smile, even as I felt my body so distantly split from my face, that expression would remain.
This is how much I loved you.
And so I think you know, but you know I need to say just as much so that I know too: I had to say a temporary goodbye to you. I had to say “not yet.”
I would have rather said that to anyone else. But I had to say it to you, knowing somewhere deep inside that it was the right thing to do. As a chorus of people warned me that I’d never, ever have the chance to meet you again.
I had to listen to all the fear and strange programs people dumped and projected on me, and brave through them and make the decision to say goodbye, but just for now.
I had to trust that it was right. When I woke up and you were gone I screamed and cried. My friend who was with me said it was because I was on drugs. But there are few moments in my life I will remember as clearly as that one—the moment I was awake to the fact that you were gone. I screamed and curled into a ball like a crying baby myself. I was wearing a kind of adult diaper there … on a steel table, in just my shirt and underpants. My friend—a dry, pragmatic gent who could never understand the sentiments I felt but was a perfect counterpoint to my energy for this endeavor—put his hand on my head and told me to breath.
My God in heaven I wanted nothing more to do than die. If he hadn’t been there, I would have tried. I’m glad I didn’t. I’m very glad.
I continue to live. I feel you. I hope you feel me and hear me when I speak these words in silence as they command my fingers.
With Samantha’s help, I feel it was, the right decision, to say “not yet.” I feel strongly that we will be together in the flesh very soon. I have to believe this. That one day I will hold each of you in my arms. Somehow.
Please forgive me. Please know that I love you. Know that this love will be shared with so many.
I had hoped also that maybe Alex would settle down, understand me, as someone who genuinely loved him. Not someone full of shit. But nothing could prove it to him. He continued to question me—accused me of getting a new partner only five days after our separation. He was not to be in our future. There was simply no capacity within him to understand my level of caring about all of it--his superficiality was a clear investment in his life.
And this burned my experience like an acid—alienated me from humanity for several months. I needed those months alone. I needed to feel the depth that you drilled into me and anchor myself in it.
Since then, I am much more clear about what is right for us and wrong. So let us find our future. Let us start most consciously, today.
I love you, infinitely.