The Big Blue Bull

Image I got dumped, suddenly, about a month ago. It humbles anyone, makes a person feel lost. Since that time, I've been searching for ways to ease my mind. Something happened yesterday morning that stunned me though. It happened all by itself when I was driving in my car. A vision, a long-lost vision, appeared in my mind.

When I was a little girl, I had a recurring 'nightmare' about a gigantic blue bull. It was the size of a tornado--absolutely breathtaking. The setting never changed. I'd be stationed on a gently-sloping, tree-dotted prairie. The kind of technicolor scene you see in cartoons, only it was real. The bull would be running around, the earth shaking with its steps. I'd crouch behind a tree in hopes he wouldn't see me. But I knew he smelled me and it was only a matter of time before he'd find me.

The dream stopped as I reached teenage years. It only popped up once or twice in my 20s in the same fashion.

In the summer of 2010, though, when I was at a Yoga retreat and feeling really grounded and centered, I saw it again. This time was different though. I had just settled back into Shavasana--the last (arguably most important) pose of a Yoga practice--and a vision of that bull entered my mind. Instead of hiding from it, I was draped across its back and all of my weight settled into it. I felt tremendous relief as I just let go into its hugeness. It carried me. I teared up. I could see the meaning of this--that strength, that power that was/is a part of me.

A few months after that 'bull siting' I met a partner. He seemed so lovely and kind. While I have trust issues due to the departure of a mother when I was age two, he did all he could to reassure me, to break them down. He was a researcher and somehow I thought his personal life would be warmer than his work. But over the year and a half that I dated him, he showed a side that was controlling and cold. I just factored it into his whole makeup and accepted it. Sometimes it got to me, would cause fights, the way he'd neglect 'us' for his work, for days and the way he'd just expect me to be on standby or abide by his calculation of what we will do when.

Other parts of his personality drew me so close, though. I wanted to have a baby with him and I'm not usually inclined to want this unless I feel stability. But the stability in this case seemed to be contrived so that he could keep me long enough to figure out what exactly he wanted to do with me.

When he broke up with me, before work, on a random Thursday, after a perfectly normal night, I got down on my knees, put my hands together and closed my eyes. The word "okay" popped into my mind and lingered there. I whispered it aloud before I turned into the mess of human emotions one would expect.

Almost two weeks on, I was driving in my car. I chose to listen to some Sanskrit chant music that puts me in a peaceful place rather than the stuff that stirs up the drama. And suddenly, that bull appeared again, in my minds eye.

I realized that it had been tied up. I saw myself, again, draped across its back. The connection returned. I then envisioned what happened for the past year and a half and what I saw was a man tying up that bull, action by action, and me, standing there, allowing it.

My furry was both at him and myself for letting someone take that power and stability from me. Because he had. And I had let him.

I'm not a feminist because I think that this nuanced approach to being straight-up feminine plays into the male mindset of politics. I am feminine. I have power and stability.

With this vision in mind, I feel more settled into the way forward, on the back of, riding tall, connected and supported by, the big blue bull.